


Tonpa Time

by illegalmushrooms



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack, I Don't Even Know, Pure bs, Tonpa is sexy, Tonpa sells feet pics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24769357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illegalmushrooms/pseuds/illegalmushrooms
Summary: The greatest anime character of all time, Tonpa
Comments: 9
Kudos: 13





	Tonpa Time

**Author's Note:**

> Found this gem while organizing my google drive. Written a few months ago in about thirty minutes after pulling an all-nighter, so it's not great, but I got a chuckle out of it and decided to post.

Hello, my name is Tonpa.

Do you remember me? Of course you do! After all, I am the main character. The entire audience adores me. Skinny legend Tonpa, wonderful Tonpa, I even have my own character song. I guess you could say I’m kind of a celebrity! Sorry, I’m not handing out autographs at this time.

Everyone has their thing, and mine is juice! But you know, laxatives aren’t cheap. Neither are juice cans. Here’s a tip for my aspiring Rookie-Crushers out there, buy your juice in bulk! Costco is a wonderful place, and if you go in there with a few children they’ll even draw a smiley face on your receipt. You can also buy your laxatives in multiple places, but be careful. They aren’t cheap and I’ve ended up on a few watchlists from placing so many orders.

Everyone always asks me, “Oh Tonpa! How do you stay so beautiful and sexy!” and my only response is this: It’s the juice! Without the laxatives, of course. For 35 years of Hunter Exams, I have been drinking the same brand every single day and it’s quite excellent for my health.

Some people doubt my status as a main character, but my character development is superior and my fight scenes are some of the best in anime history. Gon vs. Pitou? Pshh. Clearly you haven’t seen Tonpa vs. Meruem. It was so climactic, and all of the viewers were at the edge of their seats! I saved the world that day. Yes, now is the time to clap. I’m waiting.

Some people have asked me how I got into the Rookie Crushing business in the first place. You see, when I was a young lad, I had dreams of becoming a Hunter. So noble, yes? But the moment I stepped foot into the exam venue, this nasty man gave me a drink with a laxative in it. I spent seven hours on the toilet shitting as if my life depended on it, because it did. Would I say I’m traumatized? Oh, no. But that man instilled a love for juice and laxatives in me that has carried on to this day.

Ok, now is the part where I read some questions from fan mail from my viewers. Here’s the first letter.

_Oh lovely Tonpa, please send feet pics! xo my love_

I’m so flattered! Unfortunately, my feet pictures are not free. Tonpa feet have been curated for the business, and the starting prices are about $80 per picture, depending on cropping and resolution.

_Kill urself lol_

How rude. Would you like to share a drink and discuss our feelings?

_What do you think of Hunter x Hunter?_

Hmm? What is that? All I know is _Tonpa: One Man Hunting For His Dreams_. It was very well received in the community, of course you’ve heard of it.

_Do u have a gf? Asking for a friend lol_

Ladies, I’m single, if you know what I mean. But you better hurry, otherwise Hisoka will snatch me up first! I’m a super-ripe fruit.

_How old r u_

Eighteen.

_Feet_

I’ve already stated my prices. Go ahead and email the Tonpa business email for more information.

_Whats ur job_

I work at Hot Topic on weekdays and on weekends manage my MLM business. I need to fund the juice somehow. What a wonderful question!

_Suck my toes_

The Tonpa business email will be linked.

Well, that’s enough fanmail for today. Thanks you for all of the Tonpa support! For every fan mail sent in, I will personally send you an autographed poster and a voucher for my favorite juice brand. We’ve collaborated to make a super-special Tonpa flavored juice! To get 20% off your entire order, use code TONPASEXY at checkout. Tag me when you receive your orders!

Sometimes it’s tough being Tonpa. I’m so beautiful that everyone stops in their tracks when I leave the house, and I’m always being catcalled and bombarded by the paparazzi. Some wonderful people have even made a cult about me, which I appreciate, but sometimes they try and sneak pictures of my feet without paying. This is why I wear double socks at all times. That guy Leorio was so lucky that he got free access to my feet in the Hunter Exam. I should probably bill him for that.

“Lord Tonpa, Lord Tonpa!” Oh, do you hear that? That’s my fanclub! They’re so cute. I should hand out some more juice.

That brings me to the end of Tonpa Time. Don’t forget to drink your juice and say your daily prayers to me, Lord Tonpa.


End file.
